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Women's Soccer and Mars
A Lesson in Mentoring
By Julius Johnston

The other team was moving down the field on an attack. I yelled, "Diane, cover the near post!"

She promptly stopped, turned to face me with her hands firmly on her hips, and yelled back, "Stop talking to me in that tone of voice!"

In the meantime, the other team had moved into position to take a shot on goal. I was arguing with my goal keeper to get her into position.

She started walking towards me in a very angry mood wagging her finger at me and yelling, "I don't have to listen to you when you are so rude."

Sensing that I had stepped out of line somehow, I quickly decided to apologize to her and asked, "Would you mind going back to the goal to stop the other team from scoring?"

She nodded her head at me and quickly turned back to the goal just in time to make a brilliant save. After she kicked the ball free from the goal area, she turned to me and said, "You should try harder to be more polite and respectful when you want us to do something." I had gained an invaluable lesson in working with people and being aware of critical sensitivities at desperate moments.

The experience formed the basis for managing and mentoring people throughout my career at The Boeing Company. The crux of that moment was in the decision to change how I was communicating. The decision was dependent on my feelings and the expression of my authority. During my career, I had the opportunity to receive and use counsel and direction from a variety of individuals whom I respected and trusted. These individuals were my mentors. Through their wisdom and advice, I had learned to be aware of my interactions with others. This was especially useful in coaching soccer and leading large, complex business organizations.

I was in my forties, when I started coaching these women in their over 30's soccer league. I had already spent several years coaching my three sons in boy's soccer starting when they were 8 years old until they started Junior High school. I had learned a lot about how to talk and coach kids that age. When I agreed to coach my wife's soccer team, I thought, I could use that experience. Initially it all seemed to be working out just fine, but as time went along things began to come apart.

I had coached these women for two years and had learned a lot about coaching women over thirty. When I had coached my sons' teams, the young boys would listen to me and heed my every word - I was the coach, an adult, and they respected every thing I said (at least to my face). These women had other agendas and they were not about to let me tell them what to do. They were outspoken and had opinions on everything. Coaching became more negotiation, than show and tell. I was a trusted ally with some interesting ideas. All of this is what I needed to learn, in order to be a mentor.

Mentoring comes from the ancient Greek story of Odysseus, called the Odyssey. Mentor was an old friend of Odysseus. Odysseus entrusted his household to Mentor when he sailed against Troy. Mentor's primary duty was to oversee the raising of Odysseus' youngest son, Telemachus. The goddess Athena, who wanted to aid Odysseus against Troy, often assumed Mentor's form and voice to give prudent counsel to Odysseus' son Telemachus.

In the story inexperienced Telemachus, while searching for his father, is about to meet with the master charioteer, Nestor.

Telemachus asks, "Mentor, how can I do it, how approach him? I have no practice in elaborate speeches, and for a young man to interrogate an old man seems disrespectful."

Mentor/Athena responds, "Reason and heart will give you words, Telemachus; and a spirit will counsel others. I should say the gods were never indifferent to your life."

Since then, wise and trusted advisers are called mentors. Mentors can assume a variety of approaches - teacher, role model, trusted adviser, challenger, and counselor.

Telemachus got insight and motivation in those simple words from his mentor. This allowed him to develop and to set commitments. The mentor provides a way for people to build new competencies and to develop self-confidence at the same time. They promote persistence, assist in shaping the environment, inspire commitment, and help forge new skills.

This reminds me of another incident during the soccer game. Just before the match, Mai was smoking her cigarette and in an animated conversation with two other players.

I said, "I thought smoking and playing soccer was a no-no." Mai with her long legs and slender physique was over fifty years old.

She remarked, "You know that I am the fastest woman on the field and have more stamina than anyone else has." This was very true.

Therefore, I let her smoke, which she was going to do anyway. At halftime, I had her stand near the sidelines visible to the other team with the intention that seeing her smoking and still out running them would demoralize them.

As the mentor, I need to be aware and confident of the partnership I am forming with the other person. This requires listening carefully to understand the other person. Being flexible in my perception of that person and how their values may not align with my own. I can exploit that person's perspective, achieving a higher goal for both the person and the organization. Mai's smoking became a team asset, in that I was able to draw on it to gain a psychological advantage over our opponents. This was an important insight, because I used it to strengthen my relationship with Mai rather than fighting with her to quit smoking. That relationship was valuable. It allowed me to leverage her skills for the team in subtle ways without creating friction even when I disagreed with her smoking.

In a mentoring environment, your protégés need to be able to trust and respect you, but they must make their own choices. The mistakes they make are as important to their growth, as are the successes. The mentor provides a strong sounding board to bounce ideas off of, but does not vest in any advice or counsel given. Let your mentee take risks and explore the boundaries of their world as they see it.

When I was coaching these women, I learned that my best times were when I let an idea float on its own merits with them deciding whether it was worth doing. Seems like an odd way to coach, but we were successful. They actually won a championship doing it "their way." The key was in the mutual trust and respect that we had for each other, not in my "authority" as the coach.

In a mentoring relationship, you should seek to be collegial most of the time. There will be times when you will need to challenge your protégé, but these should be rare and significant points in your protégé's development. In the soccer world in the middle of a game, there was not always time to discuss options. I had to make choices and things had to happen quickly. The point is in knowing when to push and when to hold back.

With the women's team, we often went to a local pub at the end of a game. This gave us a chance to discuss what worked or did not work while sharing a few pitchers of beer. The atmosphere promoted openness, candor, and camaraderie. We talked over Diane's great save and even laughed heartily about our little "confrontation." I took a little ribbing, but in the end, we all knew we had done our best.

As I mentor, I have let this story stay with me, as a reminder to be open and honest with my protégés. Always let them have room to do what they need to do, because that is how we all learn and grow.

Top of page

"I had gained an invaluable lesson in working with people and being aware of critical sensitivities at desperate moments."

"Coaching became more negotiation, than show and tell."

"Mentors can assume a variety of approaches - teacher, role model, trusted adviser, challenger, and counselor."

"As the mentor, I need to be aware and confident of the partnership I am forming with the other person.

This requires listening carefully to understand the other person."

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